Crap Super Bowl Moments

This Sunday brings the Super Bowl, the massive consumerist orgy that is the high holy holiday of late capitalist America. The event has taken on a life of its own, where people who normally don't give a shit about football watch the game for the commercials. It comes on Sunday evening, cruelly forcing revelers to have to go to work on short rest, taunting the proles and cubicle drones to remind them of who their true master is.

When I was growing up, the Super Bowl seemed to be a lame blowout every year, two weeks of ridiculous hype leading to a massive letdown. In that spirit, I would like to share my favorite crap Super Bowl moments.

Super Bowl X Halftime Show (1976)

The halftime entertainment at several Super Bowls in the old days was provided by Up With People, who seemed to be a Nixon-era CIA psy-op to convert the countercultural youth into loyal members of the Silent Majority via the power of song. Their performances are awful, but none possibly worse than this Bicentennial extravaganza featuring songs like "200 Years And Just A Baby."

Larry Brown Winning the Super Bowl XXX MVP (1996)

The Super Bowl MVP award is such a strange thing. It's usually awarded to the winning team's quarterback, even if they do not play an exceptional game. Of course, sometimes it's given to someone else and they still manage to screw it up. Cowboys cornerback Larry Brown got the MVP in Super Bowl XXX for intercepting two passes. Both were important to the game, but they had less to do with Brown and more to do with Steeler's quarterback Neil O'Donnell being less accurate than a Rasmussen poll. A prime example of stats being over-valued.

Joe Buck's Lame Call of David Tyree's Catch in Super Bowl XLII (2008)

The most dramatic, most clutch catch in Super Bowl history, and Joe Buck calls it like a routine play. If this man was not John Buck's son I doubt he would ever have been let anywhere near a national broadcast booth. Even when the Super Bowl is a good one, its drama is destroyed by the NFL's lameness.

Super Bowl XXVIV (1995)

A boring lame blowout that's probably the worst of the worst. The 1990s 49ers juggernaut led by Steve Young facing a mediocre Chargers team piloted by...Stan Humphries. The game was over before it started. Bonus: the anthem was sung by Kathie Lee Gifford.

Michael Jackson's Halftime Performance at Super Bowl XVII (1993)

Michael Jackson's tragic death has had the unfortunate effect of covering his life and career in a rose-colored hue. Beyond the personal scandal, he spent the 90s putting out a lot of crap music. He also kicked off the modern era of pop star halftime shows with this creepy display of what appears to be fascist aesthetics.

Bud Bowl I (1989)

America's most crap beer gave rise to one of the most crap Super Bowl traditions: the Bud Bowl. Witness early computer graphics and terrible humor. See anthropomorphic beer bottles somehow carry footballs and talk trash. I will admit, this is one of those so godawful it's good crap moments. Corporations play it too safe to be this gloriously stupid nowadays.