[Editor's Note: My sources were able to procure most of a RNC conference call three weeks back. They have come back to me with another one recorded sometime last week.]
REINCE PREIBUS: We're all here? Good. I just wanted to check in, gentlemen, and hear how things are going.
PAUL RYAN: Not well, Reince, not well. That asshole Boehner is probably on some golf course right now sipping a Natural Ice and smoking a Marlboro and laughing his orange ass off right now. We knew Trump was a maverick, but this is getting ridiculous.
CHARLES KOCH: The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!
PREIBUS: I know hiring Bannon took us all by surprise, but isn't it good that Trump is actually speaking instead of ranting? Remember, we want him to lose, but to lose in a way that doesn't make us look bad. I see potential for him to gain back some points.
KOCH: Are you kidding me? I'm putting all my money into the Congressional races, but a landslide for Hillary will wipe out our money advantage. We are in a bad position here. I told you that we should have moved mountains to get Cruz the nomination.
RYAN: Mr Koch, you know that my colleagues in Washington hate Cruz more than Trump. He's of more use to as someone to shut down the government to hamstring the presidency.
KARL ROVE: If I may interject, we are in a dangerous position. We all know that your average voter could give a fuck about the inheritance tax and actually likes the entitlements they get. That's why we win with other issues. Back in '04 we rode the gay marriage issue to victory. The alt-right shit that Trump is parroting has the same effect, but it alienates too many people in the middle. If we can't get more Hispanics to vote for the GOP then we are fucked.
KOCH: Karl, have you gone soft? You and I both know we have been very successful in making it harder for many of our opponents' voters to be able to vote. It doesn't matter what their opinions are if it's harder to get to the polls.
ROVE: I'm with you all the way on this, Mr. Koch. But we are seeing backlash against it, and the voter restrictions are causing major blowback. It might cost us more than it gains.
KOCH: This from the friend of the Bush family. Where's your dynasty now?
PREIBUS: Gentlemen! This kind of fighting is exactly what our enemies want!
ROVE: Sorry Mr. Koch.
RYAN: Don't forget: we will still at least have the House. I will be able to keep my troops in line, no worries about that. McConnell gets on my nerves, but even if he won't have the majority, he will get the votes he needs to filibuster everything. We will not let a liberal Supreme Court nominee go forward no matter what.
PREIBUS: We need to get that message out to the Bible thumpers and gun humpers. They always put us over the top in close races. They will come out and vote if they think the 2nd Amendment is threatened or abortion less restricted.
ROVE: Maybe, but if you look at the demographics the younger people are not as engaged on those issues. In ten years we won't be able to do this. I fear that we are fucked.
PREIBUS: So the alt-right stuff is the best we've got right now?
ROVE: 'fraid so, and it's killing us with nonwhite voters.
RYAN: I for one think our conservative message of free markets transcends racial and age barriers.
ROVE: That sounds great, but our voters vote with hate and resentment, not with the values of the University of Chicago's economics department.
KOCH: Which is why we double down on voter IDs. That will actually get results.
RYAN: Ok, but what the hell do we do with Trump? He doesn't listen to us and he hires people like Bannon. The man is out of control.
ROVE: We have to staunch the bleeding somehow. I think we need to keep leaning on the media, and any time they call out his lies start a huge campaign alleging media "bias." If we muddy the waters enough it will blunt his tendency towards self-destruction.
KOCH: Well, I'll give a call to Murdoch and see what he can do....