Friday, August 5, 2016

Exclusive: Leaked RNC Conference Call

[Editor's Note: through my shadowy sources I was able to get a partial recording of a conversation held between Reince Preibus and some important figures in the Republican Party.]


Reince Preibus: So are we all on the line now?

Paul Ryan: Yes

Charles Koch: Yes

Preibus: This has been a pretty insane week, gentlemen. I know there's talk of Republicans fleeing Trump. And I know, Paul, that his refusal to endorse you must be rankling. But don't forget about the bigger picture. We can still count on you, right Mr. Koch?

Koch: As you know, I am not pitching money to Trump. That leaves much more for all those Congressional races. Even if Mr Trump gets beat bad I think we will still hold Congress and have a tight grip on the states. What I want to know is if we will be able to keep enforcing party discipline to prevent Hillary from having any success in generating bipartisan legislation. That's how the Clintons fucked us the first time, you know. Since I am spending all of this money, I want to know if I can count on you.

Preibus: Yes sir, of course. You know that the yahoos in our base would primary someone who worked with Hillary so fast your head would spin. They'll vote for that whacko Trump just because he's a Republican.

Koch: May I remind you that that whacko Trump is in danger of harming the conservative brand? And he could push this party away from an adherence to free market principles? Remember, my brother was on the Libertarian ticket back in 1980. If we don't get a return on our investment we might just have to seed some projects outside of the Republican Party.

Ryan: Mr. Koch, I don't think that will be necessary. I have the complete trust and support of the party members in the House. The radicals ousted Boehner to put me in and the moderates would rather have me as their face than some crusty old fart like Boehner, even if just for the better press coverage I get. Because of the wonderful job we did redistricting back in 2010, we could survive a Clinton landslide with a clear majority intact. We will block everything Clinton or anyone else proposes that might restrict markets.

Preibus: My contacts in the Senate tell me that we can expect another refusal to raise the debt ceiling pretty fast into the Clinton administration. That will force her to cut government even when she doesn't want to. I guess that jackass Cruz can actually be useful from time to time. That hostage taking tactic has worked like a charm, and for some reason the voters keep letting us do it. Even if we lose the Senate, there's no way the Democrats will get a supermajority. We can filibuster at will. I am expecting the Senate to block the confirmation of any Supreme Court justice who's not a conservative.

Koch: I am glad to hear that. However, I am worried that this man Trump may be splitting the party apart and will lead Republicans to push for trade barriers. You know that there's no way I or my brother or any of your other big donors will stand for that.

Preibus: Yes sir, I know. The people falling for Trump's talk on trade wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. If they bitch about the TPP we can ignore it. I'm sure our friends at Fox will come up with some great propaganda for free trade and these yobs will forget everything that orange asshole ever told him.

Ryan: And if TPP doesn't go through it's a de facto attack on the Obama administration. A win-win, basically.

Koch: Not as far as my pocketbook is concerned.

Ryan: Anyway, you know that his support has a lot more to do with rednecks mad about Muslims and Mexicans than it does about trade. We'll just keep blocking any immigration reform and keep dishing them the same talk about America being a "Christian nation" and they'll know where we stand. That nativism feeds into our attack on the welfare state, in any case.

Koch: Certainly.

Preibus: Paul, what I want to know is: can you keep putting up with Trump's refusal to endorse you?

Ryan: Of course! It's a small sacrifice to make for party unity. When this is all over I will still be Speaker and he'll be on reality television again, if he's lucky.


Preibus: Can you seriously believe there are people who want this man to be president? Remember that time when we met with him and he

*static drowns out the next minute of conversation*

Koch: But that man is a danger to all we've built if he wins.

Preibus: I was seriously afraid of that after our convention, but it looks like he's doing a good job of sabotaging things all by himself. My only concern is if he pulls out before the election.

Ryan: That would actually be great. That way we can keep the moral high ground not being associated with him.

Koch: Paul, would you be willing to jump in in that case and be the candidate?

Ryan: Are you kidding me? Sorry for my tone, Mr. Koch. It's just that I didn't want to be Speaker either. I'm just marking my time until I get to be a lobbyist.

Koch: Well I know you'd do a great job of representing Koch Industries.

Ryan: Thanks, sir.

Preibus: We can just throw Cruz out there, if need be. He'll get crushed worse than Trump. Just might end his political career, which would be a real shame, huh?


Koch: But really, what are we going to do with all of these Trump supporters when the election's over?

Preibus: They'll go back to just being Republicans, like they've always been. I don't see any future figure like Trump able to poach those folks.

Koch: Easy for you to say. Don't count on the tap running free from me forever


[Editor's Note: This is all of the conversation my sources were able to procure. Please let me know if you have a full transcript of the conversation, and look for future leaks here.]

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