[Editor's note: From time to time, when I am tired and need a break, I post one of the many missives I receive on an almost daily basis from my friend Cranky Bear. I have been putting them aside recently, and after many entreaties from him, I've decided to give Cranky the reins for a day.]
Hello folks, Cranky Bear here with a coffee and a cannoli made in one of the Garden State's many fine bakeries. It's only appropriate to take pride in my urban New Jersey home, since I write to you today of the obnoxious entitlement and mooching exhibited by rustic Red Staters. They take much more than they give to the federal government, and then turn around and attack the people and regions who pay their bills. For a pretty egregious example thereof, check out today's New York Times, where several Wyoming residents complain that president Obama won reelection by bribing the votes of racial minorities and white youth with government dollars. Evidently, according to these self-styled hardy individuals cut from the free soil of the wild West, the moochers and the takers are leading the country to ruin.
To which I call "bullshit!" with my loudest Jersey snarl, the one I reserve for the dopes who carry on loud cell phone conversations in the designated quiet train cars on New Jersey Transit. Wyoming gets more grant money per capita THAN ANY OTHER STATE IN THE COUNTRY! Here in New Jersey, we only get back about sixty cents for every dollar we contribute to the federal government, the lowest percentage in the entire country. Wyoming gets back $1.11, a net gain, yet they're the ones bitching about "takers." Notice too that some of the leading net receivers of federal money are such "government tyranny" hating states like Mississippi, Alabama, Alaska, and Kentucky. And yet we have to hear secessionist fucktards in these states bitch and moan night and day about the supposedly bad deal they get under the current system.
Please please please just shut the fuck up before you embarrass yourselves any further. Either do that or give New Jersey its money back before opening your grits holes. You might have heard that we had a pretty bad storm here in these parts, and need some money to help repair things. Representatives from your states have taken enough time to get their mouths off of the federal government's teat to threaten to hold funding up unless they get some concessions. Fuck that. When we ask for the money, it's only giving back what we already gave you fuckers.
Yet we're not the ones bitching. Why? Because we believe that we are members of a larger society, which you don't buy into. You think that it's everyone for themselves, that any government redistribution of wealth is "socialism." Fine, then. Put your (meager) money where your big fat mouth is, and enjoy life without all those government subsidies. Or maybe you can just stop your stupid bitching for a change.